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Do you all ever feel like you are taking everything people are saying negatively? Or do you have days where you feel like you can’t do anything right? I know this is often referred to as “cognitive distortions” in the field of psychology and this can help me separate what is really happening vs. what my mind perceives!!! Especially if you are an unfamiliar situation and presented with change- do you tend to catastrophize things or expect the worst?? How do you break out of this cycle? HELP!
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Yes, I have this happen to me a lot. I experience a lot of anxiety and tend to expect the worst, particularly in social situations. For example, last night I had to go to a party with people I did not know, and I was scared that people there would judge me or not like me. I thought about it all day over and over in my head. But it turns out that once I was there, everybody was nice, and I honestly was not the most important person at the party, so I was not the center of attention, and everything was fine. The only way I can break out of this cycle is to just face my fears and see that my fears are actually false.
Our brains are so cool! They take shortcuts to help us better understand the world, but sometimes those shortcuts can be harmful and result in things like racism and overly-negative thinking. When I am in an unfamiliar situation I try to embrace the change! I look at it as an adventure, something that will be fun and exciting and build me into a better person. When I think back in my life at all the changes I was afraid of happening, almost all of them resulted in something good coming from it! It is best to look on the bright side.
I try not to take things that people say negatively. My rule is to judge something in the most positive light possible unless I have legitimate reason to believe otherwise. This has helped me refrain from irrationally judging situations to be worse or more negative than they are. Of course, it doesn’t work all the time, but for the most part putting on the rose-colored glasses has been helpful for me.
I have heard that in healthy relationships, we should assume that people’s poor responses have to do with something other than us. I try to remember this every time I start worrying because a friend snapped at me or a boyfriend hasn’t called when he said he would. It’s difficult to practice this. If I still feel insecure after repeating to myself that it has nothing to do with me and will all work out, I try to let the person know that I am worried I may have done something to upset them. 98% of the time I haven’t, but the 2% of the time I have it’s been a good way to open up productive dialogue and fix the hurt in the relationship.
I think the awareness is key. If you are someone who tends to think negatively, do the opposite action and think positively!
I tend to think the worst sometimes too when I don’t hear from a friend or feel like I am being ignored. It often ends up being my friend was working or busy and the negativity was just in my head and then we talk about it and laugh about it!
It’s easy to get caught up in certain thinking patterns and fall prey to these “shortcuts”. I do it often with people close to me and I think it prevents us from getting closer in some ways. I try to work on letting go of negativity and negative templates to allow room for growth in my relationships.
I tend to do this too in large social situations, Sunshine! I think the worst and forget the other people are also experiencing some level of anxiety, too. Often they aren’t so focused on me and what I am doing. Facing my fears and walking through them is the best way for me to learn to change my perspectives.
I think I will always struggle with this to a degree. Now, I am aware of it and laugh at myself when I do it. The key for me is to talk to friends who are similar to me, too. It always helps to remember I am not alone!
I go through bouts of sensitivity where I make assumptions based off of a few words someone has said. As I have gotten older, I have come to realize that a lot of what other people say, even when it is directed at you, has more to do with them than it does with you. When my mind starts going to that place of feeling hurt, paranoid, or highly offended, I try to remember this. It’s not always easy, though. Nowadays, I generally try to listen to myself and pay attention to what I’m feeling. This helps me recognize when I am feeling a lot more sensitive than usual. On those days, I try to constantly remind myself that I’m feeling sensitive, and I might need some more time to myself than usual to ride out the proverbial wave. Different things work for different people, but perhaps getting in tune with what you’re feeling and taking care to remind yourself that everyone has their bad days where they can say hurtful things that they don’t mean can help!
I really agree with Nana— what people say has a lot more to do with them then with you. There is an agreement in “The Four Agreements” which is- “Don’t take things personally” and I have found it to be extremely helpful.
I really understand where you’re coming from and I have to agree, it’s a very hard distinction! What’s worked for me in the past is trying to build trust with people so that I can relax around them, and really believe what they tell me.