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It happened early in the day. I woke up tired, so tired. But I was happy, I was ok.
I looked out of my bedroom window. My small bedroom inside of a shelter, where I sleep alone with my daughter.
It wasn’t raining, just wet, it was dim and the air looked wet. It looked so comfortable.
I blinked, not a normal quick blink, the type that lasts years and years and sends images of memories running through your head. I was in Redding, waking up for school, living with my mom and my brother.
And for a moment, without quite realizing it, I became sad, so sad.
My eyes got heavy, and my mind became wet with thoughts and feelings.
Then, in the shower, with soap all over my body, the water pressure slowed gradually until nothing came out. I stood there for a few moments, trying to wash the soap off myself with the final, cold drips falling from the pipes.
Willow smiled up at me and reached to be picked up.
While we were getting ready Willow began to cry. She whined, and reached, and yelled a few times. She wanted something, but I didn’t know what it was.
I made a conscious effort to keep hold of my patience and not become upset with her. We both just felt a lot and needed a moment.
So we sat in bed, half dressed, and read a few books and had some quiet time.
By the time we were ready, we both felt a little better.
Then, leaving a few minutes later than I intended, I stepped outside.
Again, I was triggered.
The air was filled with a smell and a feeling and a look that filled me with a feeling of memory.
Someone came from behind me and hit me in the back with a bag of feelings and thoughts and half-memories.
The memories weren’t whole; they were feelings that were happy and sad, and thoughts that were too fuzzy to really be thoughts. No actual memories came. It was a feeling of memory.
As I walked, I felt somber.
I was also really content. The air smelled so good, and I felt very mindful. I enjoyed the foggy air, and I felt calm and able to observe everything around me.
Suddenly, I would feel sad, or have an intense longing for something, although I wasn’t sure what for exactly.
I would look at a building, one I see every day, and it was as if I had just noticed it was there. Suddenly, I would be clubbed with this feeling of memory.
I saw the water through the buildings and felt a strong urge to wander.
I felt no urgency or sense of time, almost as if I had been suspended into my own universe, within the outside world but separated by a strong sense of awareness.
Or something like that.
As I continued to walk, I thought about how I felt, I wrote about it in my head.
My contentedness grew into a subtle happiness. I felt so calm.
The wind blew my hair over my eyes and nose. The smell of shampoo filled my nostrils.
Again this wave hit me.
No actual memories.
But the bodily sensation of being somewhere I wasn’t.
A vague mixture of happiness and sadness.
And many thoughts I couldn’t quite place or identify.
Spring is almost here! To celebrate, here is Willow destroying nature. (P.S. I do not pick flowers or disturb nature, someone gave this to us)
Wow, you know, I’ve always found it a hard time trying to explain how the feeling of Nostalgia can be quite haunting for me at times and uncomfortable. You always have such a clear way of expressing emotions, what a gift
First off, thanks for sharing this. Your daughter is adorable by the way. You are really stronger every single day that you push through, even when you do not. I think triggers are good things… it means we’re human and that everything is working as it should. Nostalgia gives me such anxiety… but I’ve found peace in my thoughts with sometimes crying it out or even just replaying those moments and realizing that I overcame it. The power in resilience and shifted thinking is super strong.
Vee, so glad to hear someone touch up on “Nostalgia” I have ALWAYS and still do have trouble with nostalgia, it also makes me just so anxious on the inside. Sometimes I get a little envious that others are able to reminisce positively with nostalgia and i cant
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