Today, as I enjoy my mini celebration of being alive for exactly 23.75 years, I cannot get some very specific thoughts out of my head. So I am going to share them with you. Because maybe if I write them down, and maybe if I have someone on my side, I’ll be able to battle their intrusion.
I am tired. My body and my head and my soul are tired. I feel like I am being pulled in 27 different directions. I am spreading myself so so thin to satisfy everything and everyone. I’m not complaining. I was MEANT to be on this earth to make people feel loved, and to help them realize they don’t have to walk this life alone. I am eternally grateful that fate has chosen me to fulfill that duty. It is my purpose and caring for people is what gives my soul strength. I am just tired.
The end of the year is always an incredible whirlwind of emotions and I don’t know if I can physically/emotionally/mentally handle all of those emotions this year. As December unravels, it is getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. My body is craving more hours of sleep, but my mind cannot rest. I don’t know how to, or if I even want to, take part in the Christmas festivities that are supposed to be so warm and so joyous and so loving. I don’t know if I can put on my “social interaction doesn’t terrify me” costume and be a joyous Olivia.
I have come SO far in the last year in terms of my mental health and my mental wellness. I am SO proud of who I am and who I have become. Every day I am reminded of the incredible things I have done by someone who sees who I really am. I am surrounded by so much love and support, and I still manage to forget that I am not alone.
So if you are reading this today, I get it. I get you. It’s not easy to be able to recognize the wonderful spirit you bring to this world. But I promise, it’s there.
As for me, I’ve cordially invited my Anxiety and my Depression to take the rest of the year off. They have worked hard enough from January until now. I am done with their misbehavior. I am done with the way they make me feel. So from now until the end of this year (and hopefully well into 2018), the smile that you see is raw and real. It’s genuine.
And as for Anxiety and Depression- you may have won a few battles, but you are not winning this war.
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TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
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