NEED HELP? 1-800-273-8255 TXT "CTL" to 741741
I feel like I have known something of l o v e. I feel as though the way my heart flutters and sings discordant and wild in the ivory of my ribs must be s o m e t h i n g to go by. That this bird in my chest, struggling to disentangle itself, to set itself free and away once more, making a mess of the way my pulse runs normally so cold and scorned —
It must mean something after all.
Why I wonder…
… I wonder if I can – if I should – clip its wings… Tie its beak… Weigh down its talons and pray that the cage it confines itself to holds it steady.
But I know, I can tell, there is something strange and anew and unbidden about this blinding, evanescent twitterpated feeling which harkens to me, lures me forward and asks, “Is that really what you want?” And I know, it is not in my nature of natures to be cruel, not within me to sink my teeth in and tear apart such an emotion but for all the lives and worlds in my desecrated soul, I am AFRAID. I know very little of what to do with this —
This f e e l i n g which swells in me a harmony most benevolent and sweet, pumping me full of promises I have longed to hear over the course of two decades long and grievous. And still I set myself rigid and tense; I fear that I am UNWORTHY. That I am once more caught adrift in some ephemeral dream I will soon wake from.
Yet so, I fill the hours in your name, I fill the gaps of my fingers with the ghosts of your own, I number the stars in the ways I have come to cherish you…
And how full it makes me feel, boiling me to the brim in things I’d not known, in things I’d let rot and decompose. And somewhere, I know, you remind me of such sweeter things! You tether my feet to the earth and walk me along so I can still see the sky, you set a storm and fit in my breast the likes of which I know little of how to temper.
I wonder, sometimes, silly as it is, if perhaps you think of me as fondly… If perhaps… You too, had O’Venus come and whisper nothings to your ear about another who would love, and cherish and GIVE—
Who would bend to their knee and sing your worships and hymns. Who would seek no other, none but YOU in this temple of lies and blood built on the foundation of tears and transgression. And I would lay across your altar, and pray I know you just a little longer.
TurningPointCT.org was developed by young people in Connecticut who are in recovery from mental health and substance use issues. We know what it’s like to feel alone, stressed, worried, sad, and angry. We’ve lived through the ups and downs of self-harm, drugs and alcohol, and the struggle to find help.
Learn More »