NEED HELP? 1-800-273-8255 TXT "CTL" to 741741

Let’s Talk

Home Let’s Talk Blog: Well for Willow Fighting with time

This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Avatar egbumblebee 1 year, 3 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #11905
    Avatar
    egbumblebee
    Keymaster

    Willows’ Birthday Week

     

    February 21, 2018

    Every night, since the day Willow was born, I have nursed her to sleep. For almost 1 year, no matter where we were, what we did, or what was going on, chest to chest, we would lay down together and willow would nurse until she fell asleep.
    Tonight, Willow fell asleep without nursing. We laid in bed together, calm, tired and peaceful. Willows cheek on my chest. We looked at each other and spoke softly and touched each other’s faces and smiled for almost 30 minutes until Willow fell asleep.
    These small moments of independence are incredible. In that, they are painfully difficult to experience and simultaneously exciting and wonderful and amazing to witness.
    This beautiful small person is doing what all small people do; which is to grow up and change at an alarming rate.
    And I am left only one option, which is to hold on to a rope which is constantly running through my hands, knowing one day I will have no choice but to let go of it.

    February 22, 2018

    Willow will be one on Monday. I am filled with this gut-wrenching feeling.
    Although I am incredibly happy and excited, I am filled with sadness and guilt.
    I look at her, and she looks exactly the same as the day I lay in a hospital bed in New Haven, and a wet naked newborn was placed on my chest. But then, I blink. And suddenly, she’s not an infant, not a baby, she’s a young girl. I see her face and the world behind her bright eyes. Her fierce spirit shines through and pierces my heart.
    I feel like throwing up. I look back at pictures of her months ago and suddenly realize that she has changed so much, and so quickly.
    It feels as though all these changes have happened slowly yet suddenly; somehow each time I turn my head she changes, yet most days it’s so subtle that I don’t realize it’s happening. Then one day I’m looking at my newborn baby, but she’s not really a newborn; she’s almost a toddler, and I fall to pieces wondering how time has flown past me without even realizing it.
    And I cannot get time back- when it leaves me it’s gone forever. My baby is both the youngest she’ll ever be again and the oldest she’s ever been. Each moment I’m suspended in this incredible fight with time. Watching my child grow, joyfully as I am in awe of what a beautiful little person she is. And fearfully, as it is constant and fast and terrifying.

    Guilt sets in as I ask myself,
    Am I taking it all in? Am I really appreciating this relatively small amount of time I have with Willow? Or am I constantly rushing? Ignoring life and constantly finishing ‘tasks’. While my focus on what matters blurs and I hone in on things that sneak into my vision; drudging forward, while pushing aside small moments that may slip through my hands like water flows surely through a stream?

    Thankfully, I have one thing that returns power to my shaking hands.
    That is, that I know of time. I know of time, and it’s constant flow, I know of the pain it will cause if I handle it incorrectly.
    And I have power. Power to change the way I look at life, change the way I prioritize everything that “matters”. I will hold my mistakes tightly- I won’t let them slip pass me, with the intention of self-love. No, I will carry them in my pockets, and pull them out when I need a reminder of who I want to be and what is truly important. And someday when they become dead weight, I may let them go.

            

     

    And to my beautiful girl, for whom my heart beats,
    You are the most important thing in my life. The love I feel for you is strong enough to cause my heart pain. I know that may sound silly and odd, but one day you may understand. Happy Birthday, Willow Moon.

  • #11921
    Luz.Feliz
    Luz.Feliz
    Participant

    This post is absolutely beautiful! It is definitely hard when time goes by and we find ourselves thinking and even doubting if we are taking the time to cherish the most important things in our lives. But then, just as quickly as the doubt comes to our minds, we can maybe come to notice how well we’ve done since day 1, like how many milestones you’ve been through with her and then it may seem a little more bearable. Time will pass all of us by, and that’s something that I am fearful of as well because we have no control over it. Nevertheless, like you mentioned, being able to make moments special and know in your hear that she will know one day that you tried your absolute best is worth everything! Happy belated birthday Willow 🙂 (Beautiful name by the way!!!)

  • #12054
    Avatar
    egbumblebee
    Keymaster

    Thank you Luz! <3

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.