there are times in the past and very recently where I feel like just giving up and falling back into the daily sleeping all day and I get so frustrated that i miss the sensation of cutting and the release it gave me. it just gets to the point where I’m tired all day and don’t want to do much because it puts such a strain on my mental state and I know what happens when I reach a certain point. its really interesting when I start to feel like this looking back on all the stuff I’ve written down since 2011 and remembering where i was in life and to see how far i have come and to still have these feelings sometimes and these urges to cut and feel pain, its almost like im letting myself down and although i dont act on these urges and feelings i know that I’m not in the wrong for having them and that its okay to feel like your falling back again. idk where im going with this but its just really interesting to hear others peoples perspectives on stuff like this. its just me speaking my truths.
adding a little more, just not wanting to communicate with people albeit work or personal is also something that comes of this and it is such a challenge to do that and i feel guilty not being able to explain not wanting to talk every time i feel like this. just holding it in is all i can do at this time.
Thank you so much for sharing what you’ve been experiencing lately. I can definitely relate to this so much, especially the feeling of feeling like your letting yourself down. In my own experience, when I go a long time feeling pretty good and all of a sudden I get in what I call one of my “funks” I feel bad, guilty, shame, because I can see how far I’ve come and sometimes feel like in order to be better I need to never feel like I did in the past ever again. The way I’ve been trying to rephrase my thinking and what has helped me through these tough times has been being able to think that before, when the thought of cutting, running away, ending my life, etc came into my mind I would just do it. Now, we are so strong and have done so much work and healing that we can really put our foot down and say “no, I don’t have to do that, I can feel my feelings and not have to respond to them in this way.” Just by being able to identify the tremendous amount of growth we’ve done and the strength it takes to simply allow yourself to feel feelings without acting impulsively like I’ve done before, I feel is a huge step and helps me.
Moreover, although I’m pretty good most days, there are also days where I have the “what ifs”- wondering where my life would be like if I went back into the darkness. I think every day that we are able to stay safe and move forward is a good day, despite what else goes on. 🙂
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