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Home Let’s Talk Blog: The Monkey on My Back A Healthy Body

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    Allison Kernan
    Allison Kernan

    Well guys I’m adding another thing to balance and work on in my life; having a healthy body.

    Notice I didn’t put losing weight? So losing weight is definitely my mission, but I’m trying to re-word it so
    it doesn’t sound hurtful for me. So instead of “weight loss goal” I’m saying “a healthy body goal”.

    I have struggled with my body, my health, and my body image in many different ways.

    I once had a healthy body, but ya know what I definitely didn’t have? A healthy mind and a healthy

    I used to make the outside look all put together because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going
    on on the inside. I didn’t want people to know that I had self esteem issues, was self loathing all of the
    time, thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything, had mental health disorders.

    So, I would fix up the outside in hopes that it could just cover up the insides. And it worked, until I
    completely broke down and continued to hurt so deep inside.

    Then I added drugs to the mix of things. As if getting attention from the wrong people, places, and
    things weren’t already super high, now I had to be high with hopes that the insides would be fixed and
    benefit the outside.

    It didn’t; it made everything, inside and out, WAY WORSE.

    I became severely underweight and my insides? forget it, they were completely shattered.

    So once I got sober, I fixed up my insides and for once in my life, these past two years in recovery have
    blessed me with the insides finally being at a point of true healthiness. But because I needed to care for
    my inside as my top priority, my outside got neglected. So now I have the inside good and the outside not
    so great. I was hating my weight gain.

    Besides others making hurtful comments, and I mean VERY HURTFUL COMMENTS, I made the most
    hurtful comments to myself. The self-loathing began and it started to get dangerous.

    I do anything and everything to protect my recovery and mental wellness. If I sense anything to be a danger, I handle it immediately so I don’t jeopardize my recovery that I worked so hard to have. My body was becoming a danger to my recovery.

    So here I am, starting my wellness journey. It’s a little overwhelming and sometimes discouraging because I feel like I’m balancing and maintaining so much already. But, I’m determined. I’m determined to take care of body, improve my wellness, and most importantly; protect my recovery.

    I have started my healthy changes and within one week, I’m starting to feel so much better, both physically and mentally!

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