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Home Let’s Talk Blog: The Monkey on My Back A Healthy Body

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      Allison KernanAllison Kernan
      Keymaster

      Well guys I’m adding another thing to balance and work on in my life; having a healthy body.

      Notice I didn’t put losing weight? So losing weight is definitely my mission, but I’m trying to re-word it so
      it doesn’t sound hurtful for me. So instead of “weight loss goal” I’m saying “a healthy body goal”.

      I have struggled with my body, my health, and my body image in many different ways.

      I once had a healthy body, but ya know what I definitely didn’t have? A healthy mind and a healthy
      heart.

      I used to make the outside look all put together because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going
      on on the inside. I didn’t want people to know that I had self esteem issues, was self loathing all of the
      time, thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything, had mental health disorders.

      So, I would fix up the outside in hopes that it could just cover up the insides. And it worked, until I
      completely broke down and continued to hurt so deep inside.

      Then I added drugs to the mix of things. As if getting attention from the wrong people, places, and
      things weren’t already super high, now I had to be high with hopes that the insides would be fixed and
      benefit the outside.

      It didn’t; it made everything, inside and out, WAY WORSE.

      I became severely underweight and my insides? forget it, they were completely shattered.

      So once I got sober, I fixed up my insides and for once in my life, these past two years in recovery have
      blessed me with the insides finally being at a point of true healthiness. But because I needed to care for
      my inside as my top priority, my outside got neglected. So now I have the inside good and the outside not
      so great. I was hating my weight gain.

      Besides others making hurtful comments, and I mean VERY HURTFUL COMMENTS, I made the most
      hurtful comments to myself. The self-loathing began and it started to get dangerous.

      I do anything and everything to protect my recovery and mental wellness. If I sense anything to be a danger, I handle it immediately so I don’t jeopardize my recovery that I worked so hard to have. My body was becoming a danger to my recovery.

      So here I am, starting my wellness journey. It’s a little overwhelming and sometimes discouraging because I feel like I’m balancing and maintaining so much already. But, I’m determined. I’m determined to take care of body, improve my wellness, and most importantly; protect my recovery.

      I have started my healthy changes and within one week, I’m starting to feel so much better, both physically and mentally!

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